waited and hated and faded

For the longest, I felt the need to be loved. Though in this need, I tried to find myself. I believed I needed to be loved in order to be complete. I needed someone to love me so I knew that guy in the mirror was someone. I needed to be loved, so I could love me. I was afraid walking this planet by myself. No more.

"the idea of "love" is beautiful."

At this point in life, I don't believe in marriage, relationships of any kind. I do cherish the genuine essence of a connection with someone. Nothing is forever, but the idea of "love" is beautiful. Like any idea, its man made. I read somewhere "construit pour être seul." Means "built to be alone." Destiny is made by decisions made in the present, I just decided.

Many wont agree, "love heals all" or "love will come" or my favorite, "you're crazy." That's fine. "I see and hear everything and still smile...yet Im no God"

Thank you Mahad :-)

one

All my fears add up to one

I wonder how it would feel
Would it hurt this time around
I wonder will I cry again
Could a smile remain on my face forever
I get a sense of warmth
A dusty heat around my neck
My eyes begin to wonder
My thinking is diminshing
Will I ever kiss again
A simple touch on the face
A twinkle of an eye lid
I wonder will my fears ever go away
Im afraid of heights
The pressure is on
I am my own worst enemy
I can’t trust myself
I have no care in the world for believing
I can’t trust anyone
Everyone will hurt me

The day I can feel again
The day I can kiss again
The day I won’t cry anymore
Will be the day I’ll never see
My faith has left
My desire to feel is extinct

If it was so easy to overcome
I could visit a familiar face
I could listen to common songs
I could close my eyes and see color
If it could be easier
My words would be in vain
My fear would be so simple to conquer
I want so much & need so little
Im afraid to fight for it
I have a right
I have a reason
Once it’s released
It will be praised

& then It will be as easy as breathing

equal

I see the most in what isn’t possible
When the rain pours, I smile discreetly
I wipe my hands with evergreen leaves
And wash my face with grape soap
I accept what is not given to me
I always reap what I sow

When the sky is clear, my days are dark
When my cup is full, emptiness is all I see
I return the favor by smiling
I execute my sorrow by laughing
I reject all ideas of promises
I define my own reality

I am wiser than ever before
I have a crumb of pride deep inside
In the middle of my heart where the peace lies
The bitterness will soon die
I need to love, I need to care
All I ask is for my life to be fair

soul mate

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life…

E. Gilbert

charmingly human

Rise and Shine
This new endeavor is ready and mine
Sculpted from a sentiment so deep
Widely driven from the undercoat of heat
I give peace
In which the heart speaks ……..

The time has come
In third person form
Depth with reception of vigorous charm
He weeps, oh he weeps
To have someone enter again
Coming from a wilderness afar

What was fed to him
He ate
High and mighty
His prayers go
Dirty and low; the esteem flows
Watch him wash his hands

See his pupils glow
And view how the hair on his chest grow
Silly stupid him he has been
Letting the bad one back in
It’s time to rock his life away
And never wonder of being left astray

Circling of his world no more
The dizziness fades
Sweet as a donut’s glaze
He’s finally over that phase
When he thought he fell
He just realize he was over that spell

His writing rhymes with repetition
Something his life never lacks
The time has come to finally live peacefully
To be right without reason
Elegantly believing his heart
To be faithful without return

Beautifully blowing his own mind

...

"Maybe you're only allotted a certain amount of tears per man; and I've used mine up."

loved.

I’ve experienced a lot in the past 11 months
I have loved someone deeply
I even said “ I love you” a few times

We slow danced to Rascal Flatts
I had given him my all
I even bought him long stemmed roses

I’ve traveled a few times to see him
I have written many poems about him
I even go on his facebook page to see his pictures

We walked on the beach holding hands
I had given him a massage while our favorite songs were playing
I even brought him around my family

I’ve cared so much
I have seen the magnitude of my love
I even cried

I was true
I was honest
I was real

I wanted him to love me like I loved him
I needed him to be my friend
I wanted him to talk to me like I talked to him
I needed him to be my vessel

For me to worry
For me to think about him all day
For me to fight for what I believed
I was a fool

I was a distant dreamer
I was blinded by reality
I was a young man who fell in love
For me to be out my mind

Then …

I remember his face when I surprised him in April
I remember us running after each other at the park
I remember waking up & looking into his eyes
I remember the look he gave me when I first told him I loved him
I remember tickling him until he begged me to stop
I remember the way he said my name when we were making love

Then I remembered …

How foolish I felt when I came to see him
How empty I felt when the anniversary arrived
How my heart melted when he laughed
How did I get so deep

I got addicted to loving someone
I got addicted to being caring
I was finally on my last cry for help

Now…

I have the strength to say I’m tired
Now I have the right to leave it alone
I finally loved truthfully & faithfully

I just pray I will not gain bitterness
I just pray for him & his happiness
I just pray whomever the next person for me maybe…

He loves me like I LOVED,
Loving me right the first time around because now I know my worth

So my journey begins…

p i e c e s (part II)

I’m scared to live another day
Not sure if this pain will ever go away
The hurt I’m going through has been like no other
I have needles in my heart
This love will soon turn into hate
If I could let him go, I would’ve months ago

My nights are getting better
I’m sleeping more & more consistently
I doze off with hurt in my heart
I wake up with love on my mind
I’m dreaming less & less

I’m facing another day without him
Another day to review my mistakes
I was holding on too long
While being his stepping stone
I was being played by an Angel
Love doesn’t get any better than this

In my head, I already let him go
Now I’m waiting on my heart to follow
Soon, I will be free from this
Until then
Another day of me picking up the pieces

inLOVE

I finally fell in love today
I looked at him & something was different
He wasn't like the others
A glow to him made my heart believe

He looked back at me and smiled
He knew my thoughts, he knew my heart
We’ve known each other for a while now
We almost lost each other through our way of life

We came together today
unplanned and un-designed
He told me he will never leave me
until God separates us

He is the perfect image of my heart
Loving me hard, loving me safely
He spoke to me this morning in my dreams
Telling me I had no more worries

He was going to take care of me
Watch out for me
Console me
Protect me

He was my bodyguard through life
I’ve never experienced a love like this before
This was uncommon to my mind
He loved me deeply & told me with a sincere look

I stared into his eyes for a few minutes & smiled
He smiled back
I gently put my hand on his chest to feel his heart beat
Precisely like mine

This wasn’t a dream
He was actually real
I finally fell in love today
A long time coming

How selfish of me to forget about myself?

p i e c e s (part I)

On average
I’m sleeping three hours a night
My days are longer & my nights are lasting forever
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep
I can’t love this way again

At night
Every 20 minutes I wake up to pieces
Every other second my heart slows down
Every day is a struggle
I’m broken

During the day
The clouds cover the sun
My world is now misty & dry
I’m far away from another cry
Because recently I've been feeling like I’m about to die

my writing ability

I’m trying to write something
Make my words flow but my thoughts are unclear
I’m trying to connect these words
Make them make sense

Do I make sense?

My work defines my humanity within
My writing is a reflection of my soul,
people don’t get to see
So why can’t I write something today?
Is my life changing or
am I just not deep in thought enough?

My direction is unheard of at this point
I’m looking at the ceiling,
wondering what is next?
Nothing is there...

The confusion in my head
My reasoning is denied
I need to write about something
a feeling, an emotion,
a desire, a purpose

This empty thought of mine
has to be going somewhere
At least to another dimension
besides the one I’m already in

So I’m writing now...

The bare feeling I have inside
Lacking the trust within myself

I think & think
Thinking...
some more

Until I can no longer think

I’ve written about my unworthy ability to imagine
I lack value in the present
I’m worthless to the degree of defeat

I just wrote about my uncertain writing ability

reality

It takes a second to say "I love you" but a lifetime to show it.

you, you, you (too simple)

You drive me crazy
You make me want to love harder
You are amazing

I can’t wait to see you again
I miss you
I love the way you smile

You are my world
You make me believe in me
You drive me wild

I love how you make me smile
I miss your touch
I can’t wait to hold you in my sleep

You drive me bananas
You make my heart skip a beat
You are my everything

I can’t wait to look into your eyes
I miss your laugh
I love what we have

We have something special
We are love
We have a special bond

This is just too simple

he HATES me

The likelihood of him
The man that gave me life
He gave me these thoughts
The thoughts that make others hate me

My inner feelings
Shameful at times to tell a soul
He already knew my thoughts
He invented my thoughts

I’m an evil individual
It’s a SIN to be me
But he put these thoughts in my head
Since I can remember
The attraction I have for my kind
This addiction can’t be washed away with soap
or cleared with cocoa butter

Others experience these feelings much later in life
After high school or
when they are adults
But not me
He gave me these feelings early
I was less than five years old
A baby to this place called earth
I was innocent once...
new to this world
He put thoughts in my head
I was unaware of
Scared to ask questions...
the same sex looked good to me

This attraction for death
Hate crimes exist highly for my kind
He gave me these feelings while
Others have different situations
Molestation can drive them to my place
Drug Addiction can lead them to my path
Trends lead them in front of me

These feelings are not man-made,
not made-up
He gave me these feelings &
he wants me to change???
At least this is what the world thinks

He must hate me...
giving me this inclination so early
Drug addicts have a choice,
Cigarette smokers have a choice
Volunteering feelings in my head exist
Without my notification
It’s not my fault I am the way I am
Feelings so vigorous
so UN denied

He loves me, the bible says
I’m no different from the boy born blind,
the girl born with one leg,
the boy born with AIDS
He chose me for reasons unknown
I must still live for him,
Praise Him,
& Cherish Him
I thought he hated me
until I realized he was just
being GOD

Love is stronger than pride (finale)

If I could sing, I would sing to the stars
While I fly to the moon
My pride tried to get the best of me
Until love proved how strong it could be

I was with beautiful
I was with my love
I was with beautiful
I was with my heart

He looks at me like no other
He touches me like I’m the only one who matters
The way he kissed me, I knew he felt the same
In my head, he is mine
I am his & we will be fine

I will love him forever
It will be my mission to please his heart
Promising not to intentionally hurt him
I am human, he is human
We both have been hurt
He hurts when I’m hurt
I hurt when he is hurt
Our hurt will become a stronger love

I never felt this way about loving anyone
I thought I was the only one in love
Until he grabbed my hand when I was about to leave
Kissed & hugged me all over again until I believed
Its amazing how you can feel a person’s heart by their touch
I’m in love with a Leo

The one I cared for the most, made me cry the worst
The one that hurt me the worst, I will love the most
I guess love is stronger than pride
My respect for him goes through the sky
So now its time to spread our wings & never cry
I will always love him

Every moment with him I realize how lucky I am
He melts my heart
He pleases my soul
I can finally step up & face the truth

I’m in love…

Love is stronger than pride (part II)

He left me before sunset
My eyes were brick red
Soon to be sunless
I’m wounded

I need to get away
Get away from here
I need time to heal
My heart is breaking
My energy is decreasing
I’m tired
I’m hurting inside because I care so much
I wish my love could fade

I’m starting to dream about him
Waking up in the middle of the night
wondering if he is thinking of me
I would like to sleep & never dream

When he wakes up,
When he sees a plane in the sky,
When he goes to bed,
do I cross his mind?

I guess its all in my head
I want to hate him so much
But when he calls me,
I pick up the phone
& my love grows stronger
When I receive his text
My eyes rush to read his words

But sitting here waiting on him, would be like waiting on winter

Love is stronger than pride (part I)

He cracked my heart

When I seen him get out the car
My heart was in pieces
He is not mine & will never be
He didn’t pick me

I’m trying not to cry in front of him
So I escaped to my room & got underneath the covers
The person on my love seat was suppose to be mine
I was suppose to smile when I seen him
Now the only thing that’s smiling is my sadness

We were suppose to kiss our hearts away at first sight
I was suppose to hug him close, close to my chest
He was suppose to touch my face with his finger tips
While my lips touched his

Now to the reality

I cant look at him
I feel cheated. I feel used
The person who use to make me smile
Has the slightest chance to do it again

Maybe if I hugged him tight & tell him I’m the one
He would say yes
Maybe if I kissed him with all my love
He would say I’m sorry
Maybe if I told him I love him
He would say it back
Maybe If I tell him to choose me
He would

But the past is now history
What happen, happened

My heart mourns, my body aches
My tears are flowing
That day was suppose to be a good day for us
but sadness is now the headliner
That night was very long
That night,
I was without him

NOone like me

I will make you smile before I could ever make you frown
The conspiracy of my love shocks me from time to time
What makes me different from others?
The elegance of confidence I transport or
Introducing the softer side of me
I submit my emotions on behalf of my experiences
Letting the strangers view me differently from the rest
I am distinct

I will make you laugh before I could ever make you cry
My nobility is self-observed by many who believe in me
Trust me and know the true me
I am not the same

The opposition of this theory sets me apart from others
My looks all add up to be outnumbered to common
My lips are full
My ears stick out
The gap between my teeth gives more room for my soul

I am free from complexity and foolishness
Slammed with loyalty
Whacked with faithfulness
Mugged with truthfulness
I am unusual

Reserved, holding on for eternity
Unaffected by the negative waves that plaque the minds of people
My personality has the sincerity of God &
the admiration of an angel
If you don’t believe me, you will
I am Peppah

iLack You

I need to clear my brain
The way I think about you
The way you run through my mind
The way I hurt when I hear your voice
I’m in need

I just want you around
You are no where near me
I think about your hands, your eyes
You have no clue how I feel about you
I want you

I crave the taste of your lips
I yearn for your body to rest near mines
I long for the day when you tell me you love me
I, I, I will be at ease when you finally accept your feelings
You want me

If you could only realize how great my love can be
How your life would be so much better if you chose me
I will not throw away the key
I will no longer flee
Because I need you just like you need me

Enchanted

This poem means so much to me because one day I hope I can feel this way about a person & the person will feel the same about me. Love




Passionate and tender devotion
Infatuation
No more fear
The settlement of emotion in a tight place
Room for error
But respect oversees it

You are now attached
Can’t let go
Can't describe this feeling
You want to embrace him
Show much appreciation

Affection goes deep
You believe the world will be over if you lose him
Cherish every moment
Moments are well spent and unforgettable
Hug, pet, stroke
Just draw close

He is yours
The one you are crazy about
Nuts about
Fond of
So charming, your prince
Your best friend

Devoted & thoughtful
Anxious to see him again
Loyal and warm
He has won your heart
Very pleasing to your heart
Captivating to your eyes

Express what you feel
Kiss him
Make love to him
Cherish him
Enjoy him
All because...
You are in love with him

Bite

It was the bareness of my guilt
The nuptial of my sin that lured it to me
My feelings were once deep
Hidden under the truth
It bit me once and yet again it has return
I’m feeling unusual but content
Misplaced by intellect
It bit me once and yet again I’m scared
The memory that lives in me
Haunts me from time to time
I dream of the day I can run freely
Without looking down my path
Wondering when it will appear

Shake & bake

My eyes begin to rattle with fear
It’s finally here
To take me this time,
out of my painful misery
Its time to admit my struggle
The depression I once confronted
No one knows me like me
Wise people don’t just admit wrongs
They strive to avoid a repeat performance
In which mine are repetitious
I admit my wrongs and travel back to them
Enhanced by what some may believe when they see me
My predator sees the truth
The hurt, the shame, in which my red organ sizzles with infliction

I stand before thee
With sweat down my back
With blood up my spine
With venom in my ego
I stand before thee
With a pain that can’t be described
With a chill that can’t be cured
With a weapon that could kill us both
I stand before thee with my eyes closed
With my fist tighten
Ready to fight
Getting ready for another snake bite

Tears

If I cry right now
will I feel better inside?

If I was able to reach for happiness

will it be a long distance
or just a couple of inches away?

If love looked me in the eye

Would I know it's there
or will it be ignored?

My fear has surrounded
me through life, helping another
reaching out has become
a burden of self-pity
a burden of reality

I take advantage of myself
knowing my weakest elements
allowing them to come in and
do evil

My tears will finally show
my happiness inside
One by one they come down…

Internally

One by one
the ice melts around my heart

I'm free again
alive with truth

I've reached for happiness,
and got LOVE
I've reached for Love
and got PEACE

My peace came with
contentment

Since love looked
me in the eye
I took it in

entirely

I looked at love and
took a deep breath
My tears flowed together
Finally for once..

If love looked me in
my eyes again
The flow would continue

I'm now waiting on the
moment to see it again

Love

It may be a while
and that's okay
I know it's out there

Somewhere

So where ever love is
I will soon be there
Waiting for the tears
to flow once again

man, young man, boy

I’m just a boy
Lying on my bed, waiting on my soul
I am just a young man
Sitting on my window top, glazing into the future
Waiting on my mate
Expecting the truth to embrace me
The soul mate you are

I’m cursed
I was put here to hopelessly love you
I thought I could hide my feelings and bury it
Hoping and wishing
Wishing and hoping you can find them

I am just a man
On my knees praying not to be alone
Loneliness is superficial to the mind
And shortens the lifespan of the soul

I would love to walk with you
Through the troubles of your life
I expect too much in so little time
Stuck between my mind & heart
Under my skin for the torture
This love thing is nothing fun
A word that’s simplistic but puzzling

I’m just a boy who wants to be happy

I’m just a young man who wants to be in love

I am just a man who wants you to love him

Fingers Out (stop!)

I am dancing a bright beam of light
I see my shadow in the midst of the dawn
hoping you will follow
I am raising my hand with sincerity
Spreading my fingers out


I remotely move my feelings forward
Wondering will they ever return
I was once dancing, once singing inside
I am falling without a surface

Days go by...

I'm falling without protection
I wonder If I wasn't me
Would I want me?

I love hard without a surface

emotionless.

I am

I refused to be hurt again
But I am

"Hurt"


The day I stop loving you is the day love will come
Quick as the moon rises
Slow as the sun sets
My smile wonders completely
Without hesitation of existence

I refused to be in love again
But I am

"In love"

I am falling without a surface
So deep it has become
My fingers are out
Spreading with the thought of losing you
Stopping the force of you
No vacancy

I am falling without protection
The mood of sadness is widely interrupted
As it conveys the truth of the matter

I refuse to love
I refuse to be hurt
I refuse to be used for something you could never handle


Loving me.

Up in the air

(written on my Southwest flight 1/11/10)


As I sit on the plane I can't help but think about being in love. No matter how much I say people are shit, I know deep down I have the ability to make someone very happy. The question I keep asking myself is, can someone make me happy? It's not hard for me to love someone because it's in my blood. The way I love the simple things in life is no comparison on how I would love my partner.

Now, can someone make me happy? Here's the thing, throughout the relationships I've been in, (which has been 7 since high school) I never been in love with any of them. A strong like (of course I cared deeply) but it wasn't love. I've been in love once but the person didn't love me back so who's to say I've truly experienced love before. I never woke with the person I was in love with & the person being in love with me. It has always been one or the other. So I ask myself, is it me? Is it a certain type I'm dating? Or maybe I haven't found the one? Is the one really out there or am I just dreaming of someone who does not exist?

Depression

This was the last poem I wrote in 2009. In my opinion, this is my most intimate poem to date. Hope you all enjoy!

(3/3)


Something always brings me back to you
I’m down to a lower level
The only person who wants me is you
Your gravity keeps pulling me closer & closer
I guess I belong to you
How can I let go?
How can I say no more?
How can I stop the water from falling?
Someone always brings me back to you
I have been brought to a lower state
I can’t seem to let you go
You are keeping me down
Sadden by the thought of never missing you
I feel like I’m at the bottom of casting down
One more situation brings me back to you
I never wanted anything so much
To finally be without you
Just leave me be
So I can finally smile
Finally breathe with fresh air
You are all over me
For the reason that I’m fragile
My strength is now reduced to the love you have for me
I just want to be the way I’m suppose to be
Free of desolation
My spirit is lower than its surroundings
Someone always brings me back to you
Since you’re the only one for me
I have now become lifeless
The thought of living without you is heartening
So now I guess I’m yours
You finally got what you wanted
It never takes too long for you to beat down my soul
I’m now spiritless & heavy-hearted
So now I’m yours for life
You win, I lose
In a blink of an eye
I’m back in your arms
Crying & Crying
Just the way you like me
So since you now have me
Tell me nothing good is going to happen
Tell me my crying will never end
Tell me it will only get worse
Tell me I can now be content with loneliness
Tell me you’re the only one for me
Since you now control my sorrow
I’m yours

Suicide Watch

(2/3)

If I thought love knew me
I wouldn’t be feeling so low
If I thought someone was capable of rescuing me
I’ll be sleeping peacefully over my pillow top
Instead of feeling like a flop
My dreams are becoming nightmares
I’m hurting inside as the sun rises
In which I hope it doesn’t rise again
But it does
I don’t want to live this way anymore
Standing alone without any love to know
I use to feel the power
Until I stop believing
If someone could bring me home
I’m not sure I’ll go
My heart is failing
Hence, the tears outside
Rapidly falling from my bruised skin
If I could go back to the middle
The darkness would just continue

I’ve been indirectly begging for it
my confidence is half empty
If I can stop the tears from falling
I will be okay
At least for a second
If I could stop the pain in my chest
I will be decent
At least for a minute
If I could stop the guilt in my mind
I will be uncommon
At least for an hour
If I fall asleep
I promise I would not want to wake up
May I sleep until I feel better inside?
If I never feel better, may I stay sleep?

I can only love so much

(1/3)


I get out of bed
Sweating
Shaking
Trembling
My mind is injured

From the deepest part of my soul
I write until I get the pain out
I’m finally alone
finally lonely
finally forgotten
I can only love so much until I call it quits
Love is a challenge, not a competition
I always feel like I have something to prove
Then I remind myself there is only one me
Perfectly imperfect
Love is a losing game
A game I wish not to ever play
I begin to breathe with a mellow pause
Then I fall asleep alone

I can only love so much until I cry no more
Tears & more tears
No more ‘til I tuck my flaws to sleep
One shot to my heart without breaking my skin
I still feel out of breath
Pumping & searching for more energy to my soul
I feel defeated
I feel lost
I feel incomplete
I feel lonely

I can only love so much until I give it all away
I always loved
I always cared
But then there was a part of me that was never there
So no more words I can hold back to say
Honestly speaking
I’m dying inside
Meanwhile looking for someone to confide in
I was once in love
Until the truth came to me with a lie
I was once full of passion
Until lust wondered away from me
I was once full of hope
Until my heart broke into pieces

I can only love so much until I realize the truth
Laying down my regrets
The heart of the matter
I said good morning to a new day
Good morning to the fact I’m alone
Good morning to the innocence of loneliness
Good morning acceptance & strength
Completely engaged to my inner power
The only love I have is me
The only love I need is me
The only love I wanted was you

Friends & Family
I love you all
Maybe just a little too much
I can only love so much until I stop loving myself
I cry silently
From loving you all crazy
This is not who I want to be
Your short-comings
Your mishaps
Your problems
I carry with me like it’s my own
I love too much
& in other cases not enough
Getting it together is what’s first on my list
I’m holding in all this agony with a flick fist

I can only love so much until I collapse
I’m afraid to touch again
I’m afraid to pray again
I’m afraid to cry again
I’m afraid of seeing me again
I was once headed in the right direction
Spent so much time with my head in the clouds
Now I have my feet on the ground
Walking safely back to my bed
Where I will rest my nerves
Before I end up dead
I reflect on my trouble
As my words will not be in vain
Safe & sound
I sleep another night
Waking up alone
Yet again

It starts here...

2009 was the year for growth & understanding. Needless to say, my writing didn't go far last year. Only three poems written, in which each of them had a lot of emotion. As I start my own blog, I must reflect back on my year of heartache & pain. I must forgive & move on but also take full ownership of my mistakes & mishaps.

Welcome to my blog.