Tears

If I cry right now
will I feel better inside?

If I was able to reach for happiness

will it be a long distance
or just a couple of inches away?

If love looked me in the eye

Would I know it's there
or will it be ignored?

My fear has surrounded
me through life, helping another
reaching out has become
a burden of self-pity
a burden of reality

I take advantage of myself
knowing my weakest elements
allowing them to come in and
do evil

My tears will finally show
my happiness inside
One by one they come down…

Internally

One by one
the ice melts around my heart

I'm free again
alive with truth

I've reached for happiness,
and got LOVE
I've reached for Love
and got PEACE

My peace came with
contentment

Since love looked
me in the eye
I took it in

entirely

I looked at love and
took a deep breath
My tears flowed together
Finally for once..

If love looked me in
my eyes again
The flow would continue

I'm now waiting on the
moment to see it again

Love

It may be a while
and that's okay
I know it's out there

Somewhere

So where ever love is
I will soon be there
Waiting for the tears
to flow once again

man, young man, boy

I’m just a boy
Lying on my bed, waiting on my soul
I am just a young man
Sitting on my window top, glazing into the future
Waiting on my mate
Expecting the truth to embrace me
The soul mate you are

I’m cursed
I was put here to hopelessly love you
I thought I could hide my feelings and bury it
Hoping and wishing
Wishing and hoping you can find them

I am just a man
On my knees praying not to be alone
Loneliness is superficial to the mind
And shortens the lifespan of the soul

I would love to walk with you
Through the troubles of your life
I expect too much in so little time
Stuck between my mind & heart
Under my skin for the torture
This love thing is nothing fun
A word that’s simplistic but puzzling

I’m just a boy who wants to be happy

I’m just a young man who wants to be in love

I am just a man who wants you to love him

Fingers Out (stop!)

I am dancing a bright beam of light
I see my shadow in the midst of the dawn
hoping you will follow
I am raising my hand with sincerity
Spreading my fingers out


I remotely move my feelings forward
Wondering will they ever return
I was once dancing, once singing inside
I am falling without a surface

Days go by...

I'm falling without protection
I wonder If I wasn't me
Would I want me?

I love hard without a surface

emotionless.

I am

I refused to be hurt again
But I am

"Hurt"


The day I stop loving you is the day love will come
Quick as the moon rises
Slow as the sun sets
My smile wonders completely
Without hesitation of existence

I refused to be in love again
But I am

"In love"

I am falling without a surface
So deep it has become
My fingers are out
Spreading with the thought of losing you
Stopping the force of you
No vacancy

I am falling without protection
The mood of sadness is widely interrupted
As it conveys the truth of the matter

I refuse to love
I refuse to be hurt
I refuse to be used for something you could never handle


Loving me.

Up in the air

(written on my Southwest flight 1/11/10)


As I sit on the plane I can't help but think about being in love. No matter how much I say people are shit, I know deep down I have the ability to make someone very happy. The question I keep asking myself is, can someone make me happy? It's not hard for me to love someone because it's in my blood. The way I love the simple things in life is no comparison on how I would love my partner.

Now, can someone make me happy? Here's the thing, throughout the relationships I've been in, (which has been 7 since high school) I never been in love with any of them. A strong like (of course I cared deeply) but it wasn't love. I've been in love once but the person didn't love me back so who's to say I've truly experienced love before. I never woke with the person I was in love with & the person being in love with me. It has always been one or the other. So I ask myself, is it me? Is it a certain type I'm dating? Or maybe I haven't found the one? Is the one really out there or am I just dreaming of someone who does not exist?

Depression

This was the last poem I wrote in 2009. In my opinion, this is my most intimate poem to date. Hope you all enjoy!

(3/3)


Something always brings me back to you
I’m down to a lower level
The only person who wants me is you
Your gravity keeps pulling me closer & closer
I guess I belong to you
How can I let go?
How can I say no more?
How can I stop the water from falling?
Someone always brings me back to you
I have been brought to a lower state
I can’t seem to let you go
You are keeping me down
Sadden by the thought of never missing you
I feel like I’m at the bottom of casting down
One more situation brings me back to you
I never wanted anything so much
To finally be without you
Just leave me be
So I can finally smile
Finally breathe with fresh air
You are all over me
For the reason that I’m fragile
My strength is now reduced to the love you have for me
I just want to be the way I’m suppose to be
Free of desolation
My spirit is lower than its surroundings
Someone always brings me back to you
Since you’re the only one for me
I have now become lifeless
The thought of living without you is heartening
So now I guess I’m yours
You finally got what you wanted
It never takes too long for you to beat down my soul
I’m now spiritless & heavy-hearted
So now I’m yours for life
You win, I lose
In a blink of an eye
I’m back in your arms
Crying & Crying
Just the way you like me
So since you now have me
Tell me nothing good is going to happen
Tell me my crying will never end
Tell me it will only get worse
Tell me I can now be content with loneliness
Tell me you’re the only one for me
Since you now control my sorrow
I’m yours

Suicide Watch

(2/3)

If I thought love knew me
I wouldn’t be feeling so low
If I thought someone was capable of rescuing me
I’ll be sleeping peacefully over my pillow top
Instead of feeling like a flop
My dreams are becoming nightmares
I’m hurting inside as the sun rises
In which I hope it doesn’t rise again
But it does
I don’t want to live this way anymore
Standing alone without any love to know
I use to feel the power
Until I stop believing
If someone could bring me home
I’m not sure I’ll go
My heart is failing
Hence, the tears outside
Rapidly falling from my bruised skin
If I could go back to the middle
The darkness would just continue

I’ve been indirectly begging for it
my confidence is half empty
If I can stop the tears from falling
I will be okay
At least for a second
If I could stop the pain in my chest
I will be decent
At least for a minute
If I could stop the guilt in my mind
I will be uncommon
At least for an hour
If I fall asleep
I promise I would not want to wake up
May I sleep until I feel better inside?
If I never feel better, may I stay sleep?

I can only love so much

(1/3)


I get out of bed
Sweating
Shaking
Trembling
My mind is injured

From the deepest part of my soul
I write until I get the pain out
I’m finally alone
finally lonely
finally forgotten
I can only love so much until I call it quits
Love is a challenge, not a competition
I always feel like I have something to prove
Then I remind myself there is only one me
Perfectly imperfect
Love is a losing game
A game I wish not to ever play
I begin to breathe with a mellow pause
Then I fall asleep alone

I can only love so much until I cry no more
Tears & more tears
No more ‘til I tuck my flaws to sleep
One shot to my heart without breaking my skin
I still feel out of breath
Pumping & searching for more energy to my soul
I feel defeated
I feel lost
I feel incomplete
I feel lonely

I can only love so much until I give it all away
I always loved
I always cared
But then there was a part of me that was never there
So no more words I can hold back to say
Honestly speaking
I’m dying inside
Meanwhile looking for someone to confide in
I was once in love
Until the truth came to me with a lie
I was once full of passion
Until lust wondered away from me
I was once full of hope
Until my heart broke into pieces

I can only love so much until I realize the truth
Laying down my regrets
The heart of the matter
I said good morning to a new day
Good morning to the fact I’m alone
Good morning to the innocence of loneliness
Good morning acceptance & strength
Completely engaged to my inner power
The only love I have is me
The only love I need is me
The only love I wanted was you

Friends & Family
I love you all
Maybe just a little too much
I can only love so much until I stop loving myself
I cry silently
From loving you all crazy
This is not who I want to be
Your short-comings
Your mishaps
Your problems
I carry with me like it’s my own
I love too much
& in other cases not enough
Getting it together is what’s first on my list
I’m holding in all this agony with a flick fist

I can only love so much until I collapse
I’m afraid to touch again
I’m afraid to pray again
I’m afraid to cry again
I’m afraid of seeing me again
I was once headed in the right direction
Spent so much time with my head in the clouds
Now I have my feet on the ground
Walking safely back to my bed
Where I will rest my nerves
Before I end up dead
I reflect on my trouble
As my words will not be in vain
Safe & sound
I sleep another night
Waking up alone
Yet again

It starts here...

2009 was the year for growth & understanding. Needless to say, my writing didn't go far last year. Only three poems written, in which each of them had a lot of emotion. As I start my own blog, I must reflect back on my year of heartache & pain. I must forgive & move on but also take full ownership of my mistakes & mishaps.

Welcome to my blog.