far away

You can't outrun your shadow...

*deep breath*

It's crazy how life turns out.
You build up this huge wall to protect yourself then before you know some natural disaster happens & your wall is diminished.
All the hard work you put in to build your wall means nothing now.
You want to act bad & act like nothing bothers you but that's not the case.
You can only run for so long until you get tired & your insecurities get the best of you.

If you talk to a friend, if you tell them how you feel; You should feel better?
Not the case.
Maybe I wasn't cut out to be sociable.
Maybe I was cut out to be lonely & miserable.
Your thoughts can come into reality & I believe that's what I've done.
Nothing seems positive in love, nothing seems promising in heart.
I miss my uncle.
I miss our talks.
I miss the happy side of me he always knew to get out.
This poem is all about me.

A poem doesn't have to rhyme.
A poem is expressing whatever it is that's going on in your head, my head.

I should see a shrink, I should see a pastor.
I can't wait to see God.
He has a lot of explaining to do.
I'm not sure why these thoughts are in my head.
The older I get the worst they become.
I don't fear death anymore but I do hide from love when I really want to grab it from everyone.

Days will get better, the sun will soon shine.
I will be better than I was before.
It's me whom I'm fighting against, its me who I must comfort.
I deal & I deal until my cards run low.
I'm trying to feel only whats good in my soul.
It may not be much but I have some desire.

something's missing

I'm not sure if we should talk & text
You're there & I'm here
Apart from the start
Ive been down this road & my feelings are tired
If it could be so easy
I'll be near you

Years have past & some things are no longer important
I value love like a heart beat

I may be alone
I may wake up half full
I may go to the movies solo, order myself popcorn & a soda
When I have dinner, I'll sit at the bar & let my drink entertain me

All these years I've wanted something fresh & different
All these years I've wanted to love myself to the fullest
All these years I've wanted a uncommon love

Well now I got what I wished for

early morning

The moon will be shining tonight
When I touch you with my hands
Stroking up & down
Making you say my name
Sit on me until you get comfortable
Let my tongue do all the work
When I’m done with you
My backstroke will be all you think of
Come here baby & I’ll take you to intimacy
I will go & go
‘Till you tell me you had enough
Caressing you from side to side
You will be in ah with my moves
I’ll make sure you reach without touching yourself
As I’ll reach while I am inside
Speak to me with your moans
While I show you who’s grown
I know I’m the best by your shivering legs
No one would ever embrace you like me
I’m taking advantage of this night
So this will become our moment for life
Kiss me until we fall asleep
Another early morning with your man to be

valentine.

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine

uncle

written on 1/10/11


I’m not sure what to do
I’m not sure what to say
I could cry but I don’t want to feel weak
I could laugh but I don’t want to seem happy

Two weeks ago; my life changed
I didn’t realize how strong I could be
Or how strong I could pretend to be

I lost my love
My best friend
My father
My uncle

We always said we loved each other after every phone call
Sometimes in between conversations
He made me laugh; he made me think about my life
He was my angel

I lost my twin
My counselor
My teacher
My mentor

When I’m alone the tears fall
When I’m alone I smile effortlessly
When I’m alone I think about how he made me feel
How I trusted him so

He knew my secrets
He knew me
He knew my heart
He knew me

Two weeks ago; my life changed
But I can no longer be selfish
It was his time to leave me

No more suffering, no more crying, no more pain
No more doctor visits, no more dialysis, no more misery

I learned to never complain because it could always be worse
My uncle was the strongest man I ever came in contact with
My uncle was the best gift God could have ever given me

I am thankful

*continues crying*

waited and hated and faded

For the longest, I felt the need to be loved. Though in this need, I tried to find myself. I believed I needed to be loved in order to be complete. I needed someone to love me so I knew that guy in the mirror was someone. I needed to be loved, so I could love me. I was afraid walking this planet by myself. No more.

"the idea of "love" is beautiful."

At this point in life, I don't believe in marriage, relationships of any kind. I do cherish the genuine essence of a connection with someone. Nothing is forever, but the idea of "love" is beautiful. Like any idea, its man made. I read somewhere "construit pour être seul." Means "built to be alone." Destiny is made by decisions made in the present, I just decided.

Many wont agree, "love heals all" or "love will come" or my favorite, "you're crazy." That's fine. "I see and hear everything and still smile...yet Im no God"

Thank you Mahad :-)

one

All my fears add up to one

I wonder how it would feel
Would it hurt this time around
I wonder will I cry again
Could a smile remain on my face forever
I get a sense of warmth
A dusty heat around my neck
My eyes begin to wonder
My thinking is diminshing
Will I ever kiss again
A simple touch on the face
A twinkle of an eye lid
I wonder will my fears ever go away
Im afraid of heights
The pressure is on
I am my own worst enemy
I can’t trust myself
I have no care in the world for believing
I can’t trust anyone
Everyone will hurt me

The day I can feel again
The day I can kiss again
The day I won’t cry anymore
Will be the day I’ll never see
My faith has left
My desire to feel is extinct

If it was so easy to overcome
I could visit a familiar face
I could listen to common songs
I could close my eyes and see color
If it could be easier
My words would be in vain
My fear would be so simple to conquer
I want so much & need so little
Im afraid to fight for it
I have a right
I have a reason
Once it’s released
It will be praised

& then It will be as easy as breathing