b e a t

It’s one of those things people say

You can’t move on until you let go of the past

Letting go is the easy part, it’s the moving on that’s painful

So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same

Things can’t stay the same though

At some point you just have to let go

Move on

Because no matter how painful it is, it’s the only way we grow

But what if we have grown & realized we can’t let go

Because that love we once had is still there

Sometimes things do stay the same but they grow to have a deeper meaning

Maybe “I love you” in the past was just an introduction to the “I love you” now

Maybe it’s just all in our heads when we have love someone so deeply,

Or maybe not

When it comes to love, we let go of what we want to let go

Sometimes our mind has released the love but our heart is still holding on with each beat

My heart is still beating & my mind is still wondering

Wondering if my heart will ever let go

black & gold

You’re tossing & turning in the bed
Everything around seems to be dying or leaving you
You open your eyes & realize it was just a dream
You are panicking
It wasn’t the dream that scared you,
it was the thought of being alone
The thought of no one being there for you
The thought of someone not better than you,
being with the one you care for
With those thoughts
you turn to your right & realize you’re not alone
The person you are fond of is right next to you,
Sound asleep

GOLD

This was the moment I realized I was over the infatuation
I started to smile at his beautiful face
His body was glowing & all I could think about were
the meaningful words he told me just a few hours prior
He was mine that morning
I scooted towards him & wrapped my body around his
I whispered in his ear and said,
“You are mine”
He started to shiver so I held him closer to me &
proceeded to kiss him on his forehead
I was no longer in like
I knew he didn’t hear me, he was in a deep sleep but
I am certain he felt something worth waking up for

BLACK

The moment we said goodbye
I felt my heart relaxing
I had the thought we will see each other again
The moment my lips left his
I felt my mind ease up
I had the idea of us belonging
Then I realized I was back to black
Way back
I felt like I ran 2000 miles just to be pushed back three inches from where I started
There was no gold in sight
Just a moment in my life where I wish I could return to sleep

life learning.

I’m learning to let things go
Nothing last forever
There will be good days
There will be bad days
Great moments
Sad moments

I’m learning to be at peace with the moment
The moment when everything makes sense
It will soon go bad
It will soon get ugly
It will then make a 180 & be great again

I’m learning to love even if I don’t receive it in return
Even if it doesn’t come
I know I’m the best

Many want
A few need
More desire
To have a type of love one can’t explain

I’m still learning
Growing every second
Maturing every minute
I know I will make plenty mistakes
I just pray I keep learning from them

without it

Many say I’m a fool
But I believe I’m nothing but a hopeless
I know what I am capable of
I know my worth
I believe love will come
Love always finds a way
I am not perfect & I don’t want my love to be
We will have our ups & downs
I will piss him off
He will make me angry
But at the end of it all
Our love will get us through

Yes.
I believe this to be true

Many say I’m dumb for holding on to love
I feel they are missing out for letting love go
There’s a strong possibility I will get hurt again
Someone will make me cry
But I will always give love another try

Yes
I believe this to be true.

Many say love is a myth
They say true love only happens in movies
But I know love will never do without me
So for now on
I will be worry free
Loving at my best,
As long as I can be

runner up

My heart has always been somewhere else
Never where it should be
I’ve loved. I’ve lost.
I lost what I wanted
I loved what I didn’t need

My heart hearts challenges
It grieves mistakes
My heart loves to love
It pumps faster with doubt
My heart fears loneliness
Then it creates a place for acceptance

My heart is usually lost
Lost in a state of second place

my moment

There’s something about that certain feeling
That feeling when you realized you will be okay
The moment when you know someone is watching you
Taking care of you
There’s something to be said for not saying anything anymore
Where your words can’t do your thoughts justice
Explaining seems unnecessary
When your actions mean more than the words you speak
There’s something about being at peace
Knowing who you are
Knowing God has your back
There’s something about closing your eyes
Taking a deep breath & saying,
“Thank You God”
Then exhaling with ease

the idea.

We say we want a future with someone
We say we want someone to call our own
But do we really want it?

The idea of a relationship is beautiful
The idea of being someone’s one & only can be remarkable
It can be.
Could, would, should
Yes.
Should’ve Would’ve Could’ve

Many of us should’ve taken that extra step
Many of us would’ve made more of an effort if we knew what we knew today
Many of us could’ve loved him or her a little better

The idea of loving someone unconditionally will have your heart skipping beats

The reality of heartbreak will burn your deepest desires. Your idea will be ousted

We say we want that fairy tale
We say he was full of shit, she was no good
But sometimes ...
what we really mean is we were caught up in the idea

part II.

Worse than better
It ended before it even got started
I miss nothing
Not even the simple hello
The kiss after we said hello
The kiss before we said goodbye
I don’t miss it

I did learn more about my ways
The deal breakers
What I would
What I couldn’t compromise
I learned I could be the bad guy
But I learned something

Good men do stupid things
Stupid men love when it’s really a like
I was the smart one
No regrets, no feelings
Its over
Again. No regrets

Part I.

I want to tell him but I’m afraid things will change

I enjoy our conversations
He has a strong voice which ignites my attention
I enjoy his stories
Learning while exploring his world
I want him

Things will change

The time will soon come when a decision will be made

We are both grown
We are both mature
We both want each other
We will unite

I want to tell him
I should tell him
Tell him that I’m officially his
Tell him that he’s my one & only
I could tell him that I love him
But that’s what the future is for
Today, I’ll just tell him I’m starting fresh
I’m going to love like I’ve never been hurt before
& see where it takes me

Hopefully to a part II.

my naked soul

I’m afraid of the world ending
I’m afraid of living a lie
I’m afraid to have love come my way
There’s a lot of fear in my mind
I fear snakes
I fear scorpions
I fear living my life alone
I’m afraid of falling in love while he doesn’t love me back
I’m afraid of having a failed friendship
I’m afraid to trust
I have a deep fear in my body
I fear suffering
I fear homelessness
I fear God
I’m afraid my life doesn’t matter
I’m afraid of being loved
I’m afraid of letting go
I fear the new
I free freedom
I fear change

I am afraid of not having control

10 digits

10 digits doesn’t mean anything to me
A number is just a number
You text & I may reply
You call & I may answer

10 digits is my one night stand
My sex without emotion
My guilty pleasure
When I see numbers, I’m never disappointed
10 digits can act a fool
Within a moment,
I will forget they even existed

Your digits I can’t get out of my mind
Your name sets the tone for a connection
Your name reminds me of our past
Its sets my mind to believe we can do this
We can work things out

If I change these 10 digits to your name
I’m afraid my emotions may begin its marathon
I will remember how seeing your name …
made me smile
made me miss you
made me want you even more

If I change these 10 digits to your name
I may start feeling sorry for you
I may want you back
I may allow your ways back into my life

After reflecting …
your name will go unlisted
So you can call or text
I may reply, I may answer or I may leave it be
Just now know,
your 10 digits mean nothing to me.

HIM

I need you like I’ve never needed you before

I’ve always been afraid to talk to you
I always feel like you’re judging me
I know you have the right to be upset with me
I have done wrong

I should talk to you more
I should believe in you more
My strength is failing
My mental state is fading
I need you

Please forgive me for my wrongs
Please love me again
Watch over me, protect me
Make me think wiser
Make me trust the intangible
Make me believe in you

I’ve always had a fear for death
I’ve always knew you existed
I’ve always felt like I was someone special to you
I’ve always wanted to please you

I miss the peace I used to feel
I miss the comfort of knowing you were around
I miss the days when I knew everything was going to be alright

I miss you.

giving up

I think I may give up
I've been running & hiding 
My feet are sore
I'm out of breath
I need shoes
I need socks 
I need fresh air
I need water
I've been running for some time while
hiding behind bricks trees & cars

I will give up & stop running
I will stop hiding & give up

My soul will be left bare
My heart will be pumping fear somewhere in the middle
I'm scared to try again 
I'm afraid of what could come
I'm not quitting 
I'm just giving into love

happy alone

There’s a reason why I said I’ll be happy alone.
It wasn’t because I thought I’ll be happy alone.
It was because I thought if I loved someone & then it fell apart,
I might not make it.
It’s easier to be alone because what if you learn you need love
& then you don’t have it?
What if you like it & lean on it?
What if you shape your life around it & then it falls apart?
Can you even survive that kind of pain?
Losing love is like organ damage, it’s like dying.
The only difference is…
Death ends but this can go on forever.

- Ellen Pompeo

far away

You can't outrun your shadow...

*deep breath*

It's crazy how life turns out.
You build up this huge wall to protect yourself then before you know some natural disaster happens & your wall is diminished.
All the hard work you put in to build your wall means nothing now.
You want to act bad & act like nothing bothers you but that's not the case.
You can only run for so long until you get tired & your insecurities get the best of you.

If you talk to a friend, if you tell them how you feel; You should feel better?
Not the case.
Maybe I wasn't cut out to be sociable.
Maybe I was cut out to be lonely & miserable.
Your thoughts can come into reality & I believe that's what I've done.
Nothing seems positive in love, nothing seems promising in heart.
I miss my uncle.
I miss our talks.
I miss the happy side of me he always knew to get out.
This poem is all about me.

A poem doesn't have to rhyme.
A poem is expressing whatever it is that's going on in your head, my head.

I should see a shrink, I should see a pastor.
I can't wait to see God.
He has a lot of explaining to do.
I'm not sure why these thoughts are in my head.
The older I get the worst they become.
I don't fear death anymore but I do hide from love when I really want to grab it from everyone.

Days will get better, the sun will soon shine.
I will be better than I was before.
It's me whom I'm fighting against, its me who I must comfort.
I deal & I deal until my cards run low.
I'm trying to feel only whats good in my soul.
It may not be much but I have some desire.

something's missing

I'm not sure if we should talk & text
You're there & I'm here
Apart from the start
Ive been down this road & my feelings are tired
If it could be so easy
I'll be near you

Years have past & some things are no longer important
I value love like a heart beat

I may be alone
I may wake up half full
I may go to the movies solo, order myself popcorn & a soda
When I have dinner, I'll sit at the bar & let my drink entertain me

All these years I've wanted something fresh & different
All these years I've wanted to love myself to the fullest
All these years I've wanted a uncommon love

Well now I got what I wished for

early morning

The moon will be shining tonight
When I touch you with my hands
Stroking up & down
Making you say my name
Sit on me until you get comfortable
Let my tongue do all the work
When I’m done with you
My backstroke will be all you think of
Come here baby & I’ll take you to intimacy
I will go & go
‘Till you tell me you had enough
Caressing you from side to side
You will be in ah with my moves
I’ll make sure you reach without touching yourself
As I’ll reach while I am inside
Speak to me with your moans
While I show you who’s grown
I know I’m the best by your shivering legs
No one would ever embrace you like me
I’m taking advantage of this night
So this will become our moment for life
Kiss me until we fall asleep
Another early morning with your man to be

valentine.

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine

uncle

written on 1/10/11


I’m not sure what to do
I’m not sure what to say
I could cry but I don’t want to feel weak
I could laugh but I don’t want to seem happy

Two weeks ago; my life changed
I didn’t realize how strong I could be
Or how strong I could pretend to be

I lost my love
My best friend
My father
My uncle

We always said we loved each other after every phone call
Sometimes in between conversations
He made me laugh; he made me think about my life
He was my angel

I lost my twin
My counselor
My teacher
My mentor

When I’m alone the tears fall
When I’m alone I smile effortlessly
When I’m alone I think about how he made me feel
How I trusted him so

He knew my secrets
He knew me
He knew my heart
He knew me

Two weeks ago; my life changed
But I can no longer be selfish
It was his time to leave me

No more suffering, no more crying, no more pain
No more doctor visits, no more dialysis, no more misery

I learned to never complain because it could always be worse
My uncle was the strongest man I ever came in contact with
My uncle was the best gift God could have ever given me

I am thankful

*continues crying*

waited and hated and faded

For the longest, I felt the need to be loved. Though in this need, I tried to find myself. I believed I needed to be loved in order to be complete. I needed someone to love me so I knew that guy in the mirror was someone. I needed to be loved, so I could love me. I was afraid walking this planet by myself. No more.

"the idea of "love" is beautiful."

At this point in life, I don't believe in marriage, relationships of any kind. I do cherish the genuine essence of a connection with someone. Nothing is forever, but the idea of "love" is beautiful. Like any idea, its man made. I read somewhere "construit pour être seul." Means "built to be alone." Destiny is made by decisions made in the present, I just decided.

Many wont agree, "love heals all" or "love will come" or my favorite, "you're crazy." That's fine. "I see and hear everything and still smile...yet Im no God"

Thank you Mahad :-)